I don’t think I’ll ever get used to the feeling of not being able to pick up the phone or look across the room for my grandma or mom. This feeling is especially prevalent when I get really good news.
My first instinct is to want to share it with someone who I know will be as excited as I am, in this case my grandmother, but she’s no longer around.
Today I got a really awesome email and my mind automatically went to this place where all I wanted to do was look up from my cellphone, across my room and get my grandmother’s attention off the Spanish soap opera and on me. This is no longer an option and every time I kind of forget this and then suddenly remember it comes close to hurting as much as the last time I saw her take a breath.
So instead of calling my grandma (whose number is still on my phone), I texted my best friend and then I wrote this.
It’s lonely when you feel like this. You’re overwhelmed by all the sadness you had almost forgotten was there. The memory of what used to be drags you back a couple of months to a time in which “is” was yours. It sucks and I’m sad, so I’m going to listen to some Mat Kearney and go to bed.