Loss is so terrible. It hurts in a unique kind of way, especially when it’s unexpected and happens so quickly. I lost my cousin recently and it’s still not real.
A big part of my job involves the Internet — social, and digital media, email, all that stuff. I’m probably online more than a normal person, but maybe not.
I was prompted to write this when I went to send a mass email to my family group in gmail. (Yes, I have a family group.) A family group that Ayla was in. Now she’s not.
And so I thought I’d share all the little ways I miss her — all the painful reminders in the digital realm that you only really notice after you lose someone you love. Details that are piled on top of all the other pain that comes from loss.
When it’s painful and I think of her:
Seeing Facebook updates to her profile made by family members or people posting on her wall or commenting on old photos
Removing her from my family email address group
Tagging her in Instagram photos she’ll never see
Being able to read our entire FB message and text message history
Having one less person text you on your birthday
Watching her name pop up every time you type “A” in your phone
Never deleting the photos you have of her from your phone
Missing her every time you see the Facebook photos of her husband and daughter
Not being able to immediately text her when you see that thing that reminds you of her or that you know she’d appreciate
Writing about her in the past tense
This list? Is it good or bad, who knows. But any opportunity I do have of remembering her is one I don’t take for granted.
Love you, Ayla.