Editor’s Note: When I started writing this I didn’t know that while, yeah, I wanted to ask my mom big life questions I really/mostly wanted to ask her the small stuff that if she were around I’d be able to text throughout the day. So, I guess, this is my version of sending texts to heaven.
I like writing essays on what are supposed to be “big” days because they help me get through said days and I’m able to figure myself out in my writing.
On death anniversaries and holidays and my birthday, I think back on what it means to have someone not be around. My mom’s birthday is always an especially hard one because I never actually remember celebrating the day with her, so it’s not like I can reminisce on birthdays past.
So for a while February 24th was just another day to me, until it morphed into a day that stood in for all the questions I’d never get to ask and all the things I’d never get to say.
Today’s February 24th and while my mom may be having cake with my grandma somewhere, I’m here jotting down questions.
Things I’ll never get to ask, 2016 version:
- How come we never celebrated your birthday?
- What do you remember about being 23?
- How would you describe our relationship?
- Do you think boys ever stop being 20-somethings?
- Do you like the person I’m becoming?
- Would I like the person/mom you are?
- What do you want for your birthday?
- Would you be getting Facebook birthday wishes right now? I really hope not because that would mean you’d be on Facebook.
- Who are your friends?
- Do you like my friends?
- What did you think of the last guy I dated?
- Do you love as hard as I do? Did I get that from you?
- What are your thoughts on vulnerability?
- Does life get easier the older you get or nah?
- What do you really think about that dress I bought?
- Want to go shopping this weekend?
- Did you always know I’d gravitate towards writing?
- What should I do about…the guy, the job, the Sunday afternoon plans?
- Do you think Amazon Prime is worth it?
- What’s your Starbucks drink?
Things I would say:
- So on our first date we grabbed coffee and then somehow ended up at a Men’s Warehouse.
- Just bought a plane ticket back to Austin.
- He had potential but didn’t want to see things through.
- Therapy is hard.
- I got this really cool work opportunity.
- I really want to learn how to cook. Actually just kidding I *need* to learn to cook, I *want* to learn how to drive.
- I’m going out tonight.
- I miss you.
- I love you.
- I like you.
- Happy Birthday.
As a good friend told me recently, “It’s a lot of work to just exist sometimes.” Today is one of those harder days.
Since I can’t give my mom a birthday present, I’m going to be brave in her honor instead. Here are two separate essays I’ve been sitting on for weeks because fear is true and real.
It’s Okay To Be Angry At Someone Who Died — http://toodamnyoung.com/2016/02/24/its-okay-to-be-angry-at-someone-who-died/
The Truth Is Dating Is Harder After You Lose Someone — http://toodamnyoung.com/2016/02/24/the-truth-is-dating-is-harder-after-you-lose-someone/