By Julia Corbett
It’s an interesting position to be in when you are helping a friend through loss when you haven’t actually experienced it in your own life yet. The first time I saw a body in a casket was at the wake for Vivian’s grandmother. This was also the first time my friend truly relied on me for more than just silly text messages, BuzzFeed quizzes about food, and lofty discussions about the future.
In order to help Vivian through her loss, I operated on empathy, not sympathy, while creating a sense of normalcy during and following her grandmother’s death.
I showed her how much I was truly there for her—because that’s all you really can do as a friend during a troubling time.
Although there wasn’t a moment where I could say, “I can relate,” I quickly learned that the more I was able to make her feel closer to normal, the more she appreciated my support.
As a loss newbie (if you will), here is what I learned by helping Vivian through the death of her grandmother.
Your friend will want you to listen more than anything else. Advice won’t do much because they are turning to you to just to let it out, so it doesn’t matter whether you have been through this in your own life ten times or never. As long as you are a shoulder to cry on, that’s all they need.
Remember, they are choosing to talk to you because they trust and rely on you the most. Be readily available if they call or text. If you miss them, make sure to get back to them and allot time to just listen.
Don’t Force It
People deal with loss in different ways. Some find talking about it to be therapeutic while others deal silently. Your friend may be the chattiest person in the world, but that doesn’t necessarily mean they will talk about their situation all of the time. So feel them out and respond based on their cues.
Check in on them regularly, but don’t make them feel forced to discuss their situation. They will come to you when they are ready, whether that is everyday or two weeks from now.
Carefully Create a Sense of Normalcy
The last thing you want to do is make it seem like your friendship is changing in response to your friend’s loss. Your friend wants to remember that she will smile with you again.
Vivian insisted I update her on my life regardless of what she was personally dealing with. While it felt a little weird to talk about the cute guy on the train in the midst of her loss, I realized that she just wanted to feel like things were going back to normal—in her new normal.
This is not to say that I dumped any and every minute detail about my day-to-day. I toned down any complaining and slowly integrated parts of my life back into our conversations.
It’s Okay to Have No Idea What You’re Doing
Because seriously, your friend is not going to expect you to have all the right words or know the exact time to check in. They just want you to be there, in whatever way they may need you. So don’t put pressure on yourself to fill the role of perfect, supportive friend role—it’s just impossible.
Comment below with what you would add to Julia’s list…
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