The future has always been there, at least as a thought.
You think about what you’re going to wear tomorrow (the future), you wonder what you’ll have for dinner tonight (the future) or you mentally make a deal with yourself that as long as you cross one thing off your to do list you can binge watch your favorite show this afternoon (the future).
After someone dies you’re anchored in the present because the past is just too hard to deal with. But I’ve been so focused in the present that I somehow ignored the fact that there’s a future. Now of course, I’m logically aware that there’s a future, but understanding what that means? Whole different ball game.
At least that’s what a Sunday night down memory lane helped me realize. I was having one of those nights when a song just gives you the permission you need to cry. This is when I realized that I’ve been planning a lot for a future that won’t include my grandmother. Like ever.
For the rest of my life there will be a lot of telling people about my grandmother, but no showing or introducing. The thought makes my stomach hurt.
A future is going to exist for me and it will no longer have my grandmother or mother in it, just their memories. This is an extremely scary thought. Especially because for me it was always just my grandmother and I, so now something as small as where do I sit at a family event is a question I have to ask myself because for as long as I can remember my seat was the one next to hers.
I don’t know what the future holds or how I’m going to be able to face one without her, but I do know that the only way I will be able to handle it is day by day.
Image: WeHeartIt
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