March was a month full of growth. Some of the growth could be categorized as major growing pains — I made it through my grandma’s first death anniversary.
The month also included some stress free growth that came from knowing that I could check some stuff off of a to do list.
It’s interesting to acknowledge that the growth that really hurts, but happens to show the most results, is the kind that happens deep inside of me. I found my way out of some pretty dark places, especially during the week of and week after my grandmother’s death anniversary. In all honesty I didn’t know how to handle the fact that it’s been a year. There’s no guide. No right way, so I ended up taking a lot of false steps.
It scared me to think that it’s been an entire year without her and that no matter how badly I want her to be around, she’s gone. I still have moments when I pick up my phone or turn around to tell her something with the expectation that she’s going to be there.
It actually happened twice this month. Both times were when I got some really great news for TDY that I immediately wanted to share with her.
I loved my grandmother very much, but I don’t think I realized how much of a best friend she was to me until she was gone. She was my go to person for the really happy moments and for the really crappy moments. I can still relive, rather vividly, the way she would play with my hair when I was feeling down and just needed some extra love.
I think the scariest thing that March taught me is that the day will come when I’ll no longer be able to feel how my grandmother used to hug me or hold my hand. These will all just be distant memories.
It’s why I’ve decided I need to write them down. I’m starting today to just jot down all the stories I have of my grandmother, for myself and for my baby cousins and nephews. They’re going to miss out growing up with an amazing matriarch and I know from experience how much it sucks to learn about someone through bits and pieces you pick up from what others say.
I want to put something together that will feel like they’re reading a first hand account of the human being my grandmother was, the good and the bad.
In terms of Grief 365, consider me officially back. March was just a hard month to keep up with IRL that keeping up on a blog was close to impossible, but I’m officially back with one post a month documenting grief as it lives and breaths.
Also, I think this month hiatus really shows just how impactful grief can be, even months after the loss. I had a hard time functioning to my full potential these last few weeks because my main goal was making it through each day in a healthy manner. I was trying to get by 10 seconds at a time and focusing on that/being able to sit in my sadness is the reason I started April on such a good note.
Sometimes it’s hard to sit in the sadness when everything else around you is still going full speed ahead, but you have to find ways to put your well-being first. For me these last few weeks this included meditating and going on walks.
I think the biggest lesson March 2015 taught me was definitely to just sit with myself. To breathe. To let myself be sad and to let people in.
So to March 2015 I say goodbye, you’ve taught me a lot but I’m not too sad to see you go.