I’ll never be able to describe the moment right after you realize someone is no longer breathing.
Suddenly, there are a million more things you needed to tell them before they were gone. When my grandmother passed away, I broke down. I couldn’t stop shaking her and trying to will life back into her. A couple of minutes after, I was standing in the hospital cafeteria realizing that life goes on. On the 8th floor my grandmother was gone, but here someone was debating whether to get pizza or pasta.
I remember feeling screwed over, I’d done everything right, so why was I standing here crying because she was gone? I also felt guilty because she had been in and out of the hospital a lot, so at least she was no longer suffering? Then I felt selfish because I knew the alternative to losing her and her not suffering was having her alive, and that meant she’d be alive, which is something I wanted desperately. On top of this I was so worried — what was I going to do when I went back to our apartment?
It’s been less than two months and I’m still bouncing between these feelings. There’s not one what word out there to describe how empty and overwhelming this moment can be.
I don’t remember how I reacted when I realized my mom passed away, but I’ll never forgot the wave of emotions that came after my grandmother died.
How did you react right afterwards? Am I the only one who felt overpowered and then empty?
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