Too Damn Young Note: If you’re interested in filling out a Q+A, reach out to vivian@toodamnyoung.com.
FULL NAME: Luna Maia Garzón-Montano
WHO DID YOU LOSE?
My mama.
HOW OLD WERE YOU WHEN YOU LOST THEM?
15 years old.
IF YOU HAD TO DESCRIBE THE MOMENT RIGHT AFTER, HOW WOULD YOU?
When my dad told me I was relieved because I knew she wasn’t suffering anymore (she had been battling brain cancer for 11 months). For the next few months I was pretty numb. I think that was my way of protecting myself from what I knew would be difficult times.
WERE YOU THE ONE WHO HAD TO TELL YOUR FRIENDS?
I was very removed and straight-forward. I wanted them to know what had happened, but I hadn’t processed it yet.
ANYONE WHO HAS LOST KNOWS THAT EVERYONE HAS SOME WORDS TO OFFER. WHAT WAS THE MOST COMFORTING THING SOMEONE TOLD YOU AFTER YOU LOST YOUR LOVED ONE?
“I can’t replace her but I’ll always be here.”
DID ANYONE SAY SOMETHING THAT RUBBED YOU THE WRONG WAY, EVEN IF YOU KNEW THEY HAD THE BEST INTENTIONS?
It is definitely hard to know what to say because nothing will change the fact that you’ve lost someone. Even I have trouble knowing what to say to people now. In that moment nothing is clear and you are still trying to process what it means to have lost that person. You still don’t understand that you will never see them, or hear their voice, or experience their presence in the way you are used to; so, I think the condolences can seem trivial in comparison with what you are going through.
IF YOU HAD TO DESCRIBE GRIEF IN ANY ONE WAY, HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE IT?
Grief is very hard to describe which is part of the reason I think dealing with it is so difficult and frustrating. It isn’t a feeling you are used to (if this is the first loss of someone very close to you) and so you have nothing to reference in trying to deal with it. I would say it is elusive and it doesn’t always feel the same. Sometimes you really feel that hurt, or the emptiness and other times you don’t realize you are grieving because whatever is happening seems so unrelated to your loss. Something I learned is that the loss you feel when someone dies never goes away. It changes, though, so the way you relate to your loss also has to change as time passes.
WHAT’S SOMETHING YOU WISH YOU WOULD HAVE BEEN TOLD RIGHT AFTER YOU LOST YOUR LOVED ONE?
I was very guarded and wary of asking for help so I’m not sure what kind of support I would have accepted. I think knowing that people are there for you matters, and knowing they mean it. I think what was most helpful for me wasn’t necessarily things people said but their actions. I had a friend who would give me a hug whenever I was sad and we didn’t talk about it, but that was still really comforting for me. If I could tell the fifteen-year-old version of myself something it would be to take it one day at a time and don’t suppress any of your feelings; let them out.
HOW DO YOU COPE WITH HAVING LOST YOUR LOVED ONE?
How I deal with having lost my mom today is very different from seven years ago. Back then I would listen to happy songs or look at pictures. I have a lot of pictures of her, which I return to often. My coping mechanisms changed depending on how I was feeling about it. Sometimes I wanted to talk about it, look at pictures and remember her but other times it felt easier to distract myself. Ultimately I think talking or writing about it are the most useful but I think taking breaks is just as important because it can get really overwhelming.
DO YOU DO SOMETHING OUT OF THE USUAL ON ANNIVERSARIES/BIRTHDAYS/SPECIAL DAYS?
My brother and I try to always celebrate her birthday together. This year we went bowling and went out to dinner. On the anniversary we try to do something that she liked doing. My mom loved the ocean so this year we went to the beach.
IF YOUR LOVED ONE COULD SEE YOU NOW, WHAT’D YOU LIKE TO TELL THEM ABOUT YOUR LIFE SINCE THEY’VE BEEN GONE?
I like to think that my mom can still see me. What I do know is that she always knew I’d become the person I am today. She saw that possibility and potential in me before I did. I imagine most parents feel that way about their children. They have dreams for them. But if I could tell her something I would let her know how much I love her and that I’m sorry for the times I didn’t show her that. I would also tell her what an incredible and beautiful mother she was.
WHAT GETS YOU THROUGH A SAD DAY?
Like I said before, it really depends on what kind of mood I’m in. Sometimes crying is the most comforting thing I can do, because there aren’t always words. Now, I try to let myself be sad whenever I feel it because otherwise I find it sneaks into my life in more subtle ways that aren’t as easy to deal with. Music is really comforting to me. Sometimes I just want to lay in bed, watch tv and eat popcorn. Other times I’ll put on one of her shirts and that makes me feel better.
SONG/BOOK/MOVIE/TV SHOW/OTHER THAT REMINDS YOU OF HIM/HER:
My mother was a singer so listening to her music obviously reminds me of her. I’m grateful that I have a way of listening to her voice. She used to always play the piano so when I hear certain pieces I can picture her sitting at the piano playing. In terms of movies, my mom loved Denzel Washington so whenever I watch a movie he is in, I think of her. She also smelled like patchouli and musk and a little bit of lavender so when I smell those things I immediately think of her. I think that is probably one of the most comforting things to do. When I was little and she was on tour I would always crawl into her bed and smell her pajamas because it made me feel like she was near, so that’s something I’ve been doing for years.
