This past year I decided to spend my Spring Break with some close family friends without knowing that it would be a life changing experience.
Maria, the grandmother of the family, had recently been diagnosed with cancer. And in the middle of the night, during spring break, she passed away unexpectedly.
None of us were prepared for it.
I watched someone take their last breath and I wasn’t even 21 years old.
Maria’s daughter, Kat, who I’d grown very close with, was so worried because she thought I was too young to see someone die. I honestly don’t regret staying for one second.
Because Kat and I nursed her mother until the very end, I was able to watch a heartwarming goodbye between a mother and daughter. Nothing will be able to erase that moment from my heart. It made me understand how precious it is to live life in real time. Being intentional and not getting distracted will pay off — those are the moments that turn into cherished memories. (Because you were present long enough to actually remember them afterwards.)
Maria wasn’t the first person I lost that year, and she wasn’t the last.
That year was a major reality check for me. I started to worry that the same cancer that had taken my other family members would come back for the one person I wouldn’t be able to stand losing, my grandmother.
I let a dark cloud come over me. Every phone call from my family had the potential to be an atomic bomb in my life. I listened to every detail my grandmother mentioned about her pains, or doctor visits, waiting for news that her 16 year remission from breast cancer was no longer. My own appointments were nerve-wracking, especially when my doctor noticed a small bump on my scalp, which luckily turned out to be a very common and curable basal cell carcinoma.
It took me time to let go of the fear. I made myself busy, filling my days with projects and people that I enjoyed and made me happy. Little by little, I let the stress go, but the effects of losing someone leave a lasting impression.
Each time a person passed away, I cried. A lot. There were times when I’d cry for one, then for the other, and then another- like a domino effect of grief. From time to time the sadness kind of hits me.
When these moments come, I try not to think about the sadness or the pain – I think about their wonderful stories, their inspiring careers, and my own personal memories with each one of them.
Remembering them is a reminder to myself that you can never give enough love to the special people in your life, and any day without giving them that love is wasted.
But even if you lose someone you love it doesn’t mean you can’t still love them, or give them love in your memories.
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