One thing that gets harder the older you get is making friends. In kindergarten your best friend is the person you sat next to and shared your crayons with. In 5th grade it’s the one you were able to talk about the cutest guy in class with. In high school, your BFF was the person in most of your classes and who tolerated the same teachers.
Most of the friends you made through K-12th grade were either from your neighborhood, in your town or in the same city, so this made conversation easy. You weren’t forced to have to tell someone your whole life story, they knew it already. And, the things they didn’t know weren’t as awkward to share because there was a level of trust and familiarity. Then came college and this is where 3 truths about telling new friends about the death of a loved one comes in.
No matter how big or small the college you chose to go to is, I can bet my next Starbucks drink that you’re lucky if you know one person at Freshman orientation.
The sense of anonymity that college brings is both good and bad. It’s good because it gives you enough room to be whoever you want to be. It’s bad because this means you have to start over with friends. The starting over part can be especially hard if you’re still figuring out ways of telling people you lost someone really important to you.
My mom died when I was 10, so I have 11 years of trial and error in figuring out how to work your reality into a conversation without it being exceptionally awkward.
Truth #1: No matter what you say there’s a 99.9% chance that the other person will feel weird or not know what to say. Be prepared for this.
Truth #2: This is your truth. No matter what. Don’t feel like you have to tell someone if you don’t want to.
Truth #3: There’s no real how-to. I’ve found that just saying it works well for me.
For instance, if we’re talking about parents and he/she is waiting for me to say something about mine:
Me: ” Oh, I lost my mom when I was 10.”
He/she: I’m so sorry.
Me: It’s fine. (then because I’m me, I usually add in, “it’s not like it’s your fault.”)
I use humor to dispel the awkwardness. However you get through it is by far the BEST way you could get through it.
Do you have any tips on how others can tell their friends that someone they loved died?
Image: WeHeartIt
1 Comment