To My Friend,
Hi. I know right about now you are just watching life pass by while you sort of sit in pause. What just happened to you is indescribable, unpredictable, and unimaginable.
Some days are easy, but most days are just plain hard. I don’t know what to say to you because I didn’t even know what I wanted people to say when my father died.
I hated when people told me, “Don’t worry he is in a better place.”, “You’re going to be okay.”, and the most common one of all, “I’m sorry for your loss.” How did anyone know my father was in a better place? Wouldn’t the best place for him be here, with my mom and I? How did you know I’d be okay? My father just died, how would I ever come back from that? And why are you sorry? You had no hand in his death, so why are you apologizing? Or are you saying sorry because you pity me?
The truth is they don’t mean harm by it, but for a while you can’t help but be angry with everyone. And that is okay.
This horrible thing has happened and all you can think is that no one in this world could possibly understand how you feel. You’re right. You lost someone you loved; someone who lived for you, and in time lived vicariously through you. You knew his favorite ice cream flavor was rocky road, that he enjoyed cliché comedy movies like Grown Ups, and that he loved the early mornings because he loved dropping his girls off at school.
You lost the person that made you feel most safe. The person you did well in school for, shared your first laughs with, and the first man who would ever love you. How could I ever understand that love?
I can’t because it’s not mine, just like the love between my father and I will never be yours. I’ll never know what it was like to lose your father, no one will, and don’t you ever let anyone take that away from you.
Although I’ll never fully understand your relationship there is something I want you to know. (Even thought I didn’t believe it at first either it is the truth.) You will never get over your loss, but in time you will be okay. You will eventually be okay knowing he is never going to walk through your door again, but you’ll always hope he will. You’ll laugh again and it won’t be a fake one to make people think you’re okay. It will be a loud boisterous one that makes your stomach hurt.
You’ll learn to open up again, to love again, and to feel again. You’ll realize that all the big moments were not nearly as meaningful as the small ones you shared with him. You’ll start to do the things he loved to do again. It’ll catch you off guard because even though there was no intention behind it, it feels right. You’ll eventually smile again because you know a part of him is always going to be a part of you. You’ll start to live life not just in memory of him, but for yourself because you realize your worth and how strong you really are.
Life will never be the way it was before he was gone, but one day you’ll wake up and realize you have created a new normal, a new kind of happy, upset, confused, and any other emotion you care to experience.
But there is only one way to get there. You have to let yourself grieve. Allow time for denial, anger, and sadness. If you feel like crying on the bus let yourself have that moment. If you want to talk about your dad, do it. If you want to ask questions, ask them. Don’t let anyone ever tell you the way you grieve is wrong or that you stop talking about your dad. Get rid of negative people in your life because they will only bring you further away from your new normal. Always keep the memories alive, write everything down because trust me you won’t remember all of it. And the most important thing of all, please always put yourself first. Take time for YOU whenever YOU need it.
I know the new normal seems so far but it’s closer than you think. I can’t wait till you get there and you are truly happy again. Along the way though, remember that I’m just a call away.
Sincerely,
Someone Who Understands (Kind Of)
P.S. He was proud of you before. He is proud of you now. He is proud of you always.
Lost my Daddy 4-17-17. He fell and broke his nose. The doctors didn’t realise that he had a brain bleed till it was to late. My sister’s and I had to be the ones to tell the hospital when we should let out Dad die. I relive his last days over and over in my head. I feel like I’m on a deserted island all by myself and the world just keeps going on around me. I feel as if I have reverted back to my childhood self who has thrown herself down on the ground having a fit because all she wants is her Daddy. I WANT MY DADDY! That’s all that comes to mind. He raised us by himself he was all we had. I don’t know how to live my life without him. I’m so lost and broken and confused. I have so many questions. Thank you for this article because I’m trying so hard to be strong. I don’t let anyone know how sad and broken I am. I push down the tears because life must go On! Right? I work 6 days a week have 3 teenage daughters and a wonderful husband yet I still feel so alone and lost.
Thank you so much for this. I am still crying while reading this, but it actually helped me a lot to see things from the perspective of someone who lost the same person I lost. My father just died two weeks ago and I am having some issues finding my balance and trying to help my mom as much as I can. I don’t really know how to deal with people now, I am having some awkward moments where I try to be happy, but it’s like a smile for the camera moment, not true. Everyone kept saying to me even before I reached the funeral that I have to be strong for my mom and although I knew that I felt like I can barely take a breath.
Author
I think that while yeah being strong is the usual default and a lot of times you don’t have any other option than to feel strong, it’s also really really important to take care of yourself. And if taking care of yourself means feeling sad, crying or reading our posts — then, that’s what I want you to do. This is space anyone is welcome to and I’m glad that Niki’s words touched you. If you ever need someone to read yours feel free to email vivian@toodamnyoung.com
PS We can totally relate to those awkward moments. It always feels like half of everything that goes up on TDY revolves around some kind of awkward moment.
Thank you for this. There is not much out there for young people who have lost a loved one. I lost my dad last summer, and this felt like it was aimed straight at me, thank you for that.
Author
Thank YOU for finding us and reading the words that mean so much to those who write them.
I am from europe and my english is not the best so sorry for that and I hope you guys don´t mind.
This letter is really helpful and i just wanted to add something: When i lost my best friend in a terrible way when i was 15 I was send to a psychologist for a Therapie. And my doctor gave me the tip to take a book for notes or a classic diary where you write down letters for your loss. I wrote my best friend how a hated the whole Situation how i missed her, about my nightmares and things i wanted her to know. I also started to tell her News from our School we both went to. Classical gossip and stuff like that. I put the “Vicky Book” into a box under my bed and everytime things got worse i took it and wrote a new letter to her. It really helped me to stop crying and overthinking things. I am nearly 17 today and whenever i take the “Vicky Book” and read it or write a new letter i see that after the days, months passed everything got better ( slowly but clearly) and also how things can Change very fast ( the good and the bad things)
I hope this is helpful as well (for me it is)
Stay strong…things will get better
Love,
Sandy
Author
Hi Sandy, that is some really good advice. I found that writing to my grandma and my mom also really helped.
This article really speaks to me. Especially the end. After losing my mom and sister last summer, I just want to feel some form of normalcy. It’s so far away. And it’s nice always having someone (or something written) to say that there is no wrong way to grieve. Thank you.
Sincerely,
Michelle
Author
Hey. We just have the platform, people like you are the ones who help everyone else feel less alone. By talking about it, but being honest about your feelings, that makes all the difference. So thank you!
i wish someone had told me to right down everything.. until i realized memories weren’t going to last forever and start writting them dowm part of them were gone..
but what cannot be written and shamely i say i have forgotten is her voice…
and i can firmly say let time be. it does get better.. it will always be part of your life, but one day you just stop crying and start living.. after all we are still here..
love.
Cami
I cried my way through this article. I’ve lost my father two and a half years ago in an accident, and I can relate to this article so much. Beautifully written.
Sincerely,
Someone who understands (kind of)
Author
Hey, We’re a hand to hold when things get hard. Sincerely, Someone who knows just ~being~ there counts as much as any words.