When I was 24 my boyfriend’s best friend passed away of a drug overdose. It was sudden and tragic.
When we heard the news, my mind went back to the last New Year’s Eve we celebrated together and how we’d all laughed that night. How my boyfriend’s best friend got punched after midnight and how despite nursing a bloody nose, he was still the life of the party on the car ride home.
That night, he was so full of humor and heart and now, he was gone. I was sad but I hadn’t known him well enough to grieve him in the same way my boyfriend did. My boyfriend was devastated and I was helpless. I couldn’t fix it for him. I couldn’t change it.
My boyfriend was tasked with sharing something at his friend’s service. As someone who cared, I was tempted to jump on this as an actionable thing I could help him with. I finally felt like I could be useful in the face of this tragedy. Ultimately, though, I held back and just listened when he needed me to listen. I chose to give him the space he needed to grieve in his own way.
The process leading up to the service was tumultuous but I think it helped to be quietly supportive as my boyfriend navigated his way through it. He settled on a way of sharing that meant the most to him. I believe it helped a little bit in the process of moving through his grief.
When someone we love experiences a major loss it’s hard to know what to do. Soon enough the realization hits that we won’t be able to make it better. Understandably, they will need to heal, lay low, and cope in their own way. But what can we do?
Here are some tips I learned along the way:
(1) Be there — Just stay with them quietly. Nobody wants to feel even more alone. The physical presence of someone who cares can be comforting.
(2) Listen — If they start to talk about their feelings or memories of the person they lost, just listen. Don’t try to fix things. My go to was to talk less than twenty percent of the time. Let the person grieving say aloud what they need to.
(3) Offer hugs and love — Read your loved one’s cues and when they seem to need hugs, share them freely. Nothing is more comforting than being held.
The truth is there is not a lot you can do because it is not about you. It’s about each person’s individual journey through life and the individual grieving process. Let time heal and fade the pain and be available to hold your loved one’s hands as they walk through the experience.
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