This is part three of a five part series about what to say to someone who has recently lost a loved one. Read part one here and part two here.
Last year, I was sitting at the kitchen table having one of those “late night get to know you” kind of conversations. The kind that sometimes get really deep and lead to one, or both of you sharing heavy thoughts or secrets.
For those of us who have been left behind by a parent’s departure from the world, this tends to be our heavy thought. All of my late night conversations somehow turn towards the loss of my mom. Except for this particular night.
On that night, about a year ago, I sat at the table and talked with a friend about how crazy our year had been. For me, I lost my mom and I was still on track to graduate in the Spring. My friend wasn’t around for that part of my life so he didn’t know how hellish of a year I had just gone through. He didn’t know that when I said my year was intense, I meant it.
So when I said “yeah, it’s been a really crazy tough year,” he responded with, “I get that. I thought my dog had cancer for a little bit there and then we found out he didn’t and it was such a relief. And then I was super stressed with all my jobs and school.”
Hold on. YOUR year was tough because you thought your dog ALMOST had cancer? No, thank you.
I was looking forward to letting someone else into my world who wasn’t around for my mom’s death. He was one of the first people who knew me post-mom, so it was up to me to figure out how to tell my story. I was looking forward to getting the chance.
It was the first time I would get to be conversational about everything and that was a relief and exciting all at the same time. After hearing how he couldn’t handle his year of close cancer encounters, I decided to be a good sport. I listened to everything he had to say and then told him it was past my bedtime, and kindly asked him to leave so I could sleep.
He didn’t need to know about my crazy year. I don’t know that he could have handled it. And if I had responded to his stressful year with my story, he would have felt like a jerk. None of these things needed to happen, so I said nothing.
Sometimes social settings don’t go your way.
Whether it is because of something you said and the person didn’t respond correctly, or because you found yourself wanting to share something and the situation isn’t allowing you to do so.
It could also be because you get stuck in a situation that forces you to respond in a way that might feel like you are being untruthful to yourself. Like last week, I got asked if that was my mom that this lady met the other week. I said probably not, but I felt like I was lying to the woman just by answering her question!
Social settings are so open-ended and extremely tough to navigate when you view them through the lens of a loss. It is so easy to see how everything people say can relate back to your own loss, and sometimes group settings just don’t work that way.
So when things don’t go your way and you’re at a loss for what to say or how to act, here are my suggestions for getting through the awkward moment:
1. Say nothing.
Just stay quiet. If you don’t have anything nice (or socially appropriate) don’t say anything at all. If you’re in a group, let someone else take the lead in responding. There’s no need for it to all fall onto you. And if it does, just stay quiet, like you’re pondering what the other person had to say. The silence will make them uncomfortable enough to lead them to change the subject. Take that as a chance to move onto the next topic.
2. Make a joke.
If you want to respond with a joke, go for it! Laugh it off. Laughing makes everyone feel better. It’ll break the tension in the group and can lead off to another funny anecdote. People love to tell funny stories about themselves so if you get them laughing about one thing, it will probably lead to something else.
3. Be honest.
If the conversation makes you uncomfortable just say so. Hopefully your friends will admire your honesty and be sensitive to your needs. If not, get new friends (not kidding). There is nothing wrong with saying the conversation makes you uncomfortable and you want to change subjects.
4. Excuse yourself to the restroom.
By the time you rejoin the group, the conversation will have changed and you’re refreshed and ready to go.
However you choose to respond, don’t overthink the social settings. If you’re uncomfortable, remove yourself. Do what you need to in order to take care of yourself after a loss.
Sometimes things get a little awkward when you’re out with friends, but I can assure you that they probably won’t think twice about it. When was the last time you thought about that time a social gathering took a turn for the awkward? Probably never. Don’t overthink it. Just work the setting to the best of your ability.
Read more of Bethany’s posts here.
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