To say that I’ve been ignoring Mother’s Day is putting it way too lightly. I took pretending it didn’t exist to a whole new level — one I didn’t even know I could manage.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I know today’s Mother’s Day. The never-ending emails with Mother’s Day gift suggestions are all the reminder I needed these last few weeks.
I can’t really explain how I ignored it other than I just pretended it wasn’t going to affect me. I had a hard time writing, or sitting with my feelings. I’ve ignored most of my friends’ “thinking of you” messages because responding would mean acknowledging that I feel left out or that I have a reason to feel left out.
I would have to accept that I’m bitter when I look through social media, that this feeling freaking sucks. That today redefines FOMO.
This is the 13th year that I haven’t had a mom to celebrate on Mother’s Day; it’s the 2nd year that my grandma hasn’t been around to give a card to. I’m not sure how to describe the feeling other than I feel left out.
The one person I did text today (literally, an hour ago) was my friend Quincy. I acknowledged that I was a functioning human being today (because you’d be surprised) and then I quickly moved to another topic. But being who Quincy is to me, she asked, “how do you feel?”
I responded with, “Not sure. I’m aware of the day and I’m aware that certain words would probably make me cry, but I’m not aware of what those words are…I don’t really know how to explain it, I guess I feel left out.”
That’s the first time I’ve ever admitted to myself that the sadness…the emptiness…the need to ignore, it all comes from the fact that I feel left out. Or, at least, that that’s where the iceberg starts. It grows out into the fact that today’s a huge reminder that while others are reminiscing about moments they just shared with their moms, I’m sitting with ghosts.
I rotate through the same pictures because it’s all I’ll ever have. The finality that comes with that fact makes you (me) want to cuddle under blankets, watch Friends on Netflix and eat through my stash of the individual packs of Teddy Grahams you get from the Target dollar section.
But, today, I was a functioning human. I may be typing these words with tears in my eyes, but today I put on a cute outfit and I bought myself lunch. insert claps emoji here, x3
I published some heartwarming, amazing, inspiring, strong personal essays over the last few days. Girls who kicked major ass with their words. They were unapologetic about their feelings on Mother’s Day. They made me proud and made me stronger.
One of the lines that got to me the most was from Holly’s essay:
“Mother’s Day hasn’t necessarily gotten easier as I’ve gotten older, the loneliness isn’t something that you get used to.”
The fact is that I feel lonely. The truth is that I’m not alone.
Click here to read some more essays on Mother’s Day.
