Every life is important, every life is worth mourning.
I’ve lost somebody before — my grandma. I lost her a few years back and although it was shocking and upsetting, I managed to get through.
The sadness I felt was, I would say, clean. I mourned but I also focused on the nice memories. Eventually the burden got lighter. I still carry the love for my grandma in my heart and I still miss her tons but the feeling is pure. To some extent, I could sit with the facts regrading her death. I understood that life happens and that sometimes we lose those we love. I knew my grandma was very sick and lived in pain, so all those thoughts made the healing process easier for me.
Everybody around me supported me, my friends or people I just happen to know. They had nice things to say and they were there to make me feel better when I needed it. This happened back in August 2013.
Around two months ago somebody rang at my door very early in the morning. There was no reason for anybody waking me and my brother up at 6 am, so I suspected that something bad must have happened. My first thought was that my grandpa got sick or something along those lines. I remember running out of the house in my pajamas and opening the door to my aunt. She was there to tell me that my dad had passed away the night before.
He took something that his heart couldn’t handle.
Emergency was there right away but they couldn’t help. It happened at my grandfather’s house and he tried to resuscitate him (brave and strong soul) but it was no good.
The thing about my father is that our relationship wasn’t the best these last few years. I’m 23 right now and in the last 4 years, after my parents divorced, him and I drifted apart. He wasn’t what you can call the “good person.” While he technically never hurt anybody but himself, his addiction did a number on our family. It ultimately cost him his life.
I barely spoke to him. He would call me on my birthday and holidays. He knew that I couldn’t handle seeing him in person, not the way he was living his life. I absolutely don’t doubt my father loved me and my brother — he never hurt us in any way. He was just the kind of person who was too weak to fight his own demons.
I want to talk about how you deal with losing somebody when everybody around you tells you that you are better off without them.
Of course my family missed him as much as I did, but neighbours… strangers…old teachers…classmates I rarely talked to…they all keep telling me that I am better off now, without him.
They say that I’m better off without worrying about his life.
It’s hard to mourn and grieve when people tell you that you should be happy. It’s difficult to talk to somebody about how you miss your father, who was good to you for 20 years and inspired your life so much, when people won’t understand. When they expect you to feel relieved.
It almost feels like you are not supposed to be grieving. You are not supposed to be sad. You should feel good now because the burden’s done with.
That’s not the case and sometimes I feel like it’s little bit offensive to a human’s life. You are allowed to be sad and mourn and cry no matter what anybody says.
Only you know your feelings. Only you know what the person you lost meant to you, even when they may seem “bad” to others.
It’s important to forgive and let go. I won’t forget the bad things that happened or how hurt I was by my father’s decisions, but with the hope of him getting better gone, I felt like I need to let go. I need to be able to honor the good things.
I’m proud of my heart not holding any grudges and not being bitter. I am sad. I am mourning and I have every right to feel this way.
The wounds are still fresh and it’s hard for me to type this but I wanted people to know that your feelings are your own and they are legit. It’s hard to fight what people say and it’s hard to talk to them when you say something they don’t expect you to, but when a person passes away you are the one who will need to keep on living. If you feel sad then be sad and if you grieve then grieve.
Don’t worry about anybody else. Take care of yourself and honor the good things.
I personally started writing in a journal and going out for walks. It helps me think and I feel like being alone with my thoughts is helping me cope. It is hard for me to talk about my feelings with people around so writing is the most comfortable and soothing way of sharing them.
It feels validating when you put thoughts to paper and maybe someday I can go back to it and understand myself better. I can’t avoid or delete the sadness from my life, so I’m trying to understand it and live with it. Without the support of those who surround me it’s all on me, but I’m sure I can handle it.
We are all strong and we can all find the right way to live with our loss.
If you want to reach out to Silvia you can do so on her blog or Twitter.
(Image courtesy of Silvia)
