Hi friend,
A year ago I lost my best friend to a heart issue.
Nobody knew about her being sick until she passed away. This all happened after we had a hard year on our friendship because all the while she was fighting an illness. During the last year she went on a students exchange year and a month before she was due to return, she died.
She died while she was still away and because of this it’s actually really hard to believe that she won’t ever come back. It’s even harder because for a long time — seven months to be exact — none of us (me or the rest of her friends) knew the cause of her death.
My friends and I went through hell during that time. We were all so tired of everyone’s sadness and couldn’t deal with the different ways we all grieved. There were times it was hard to stay together as close best friends, times when we fought. All of it was the result of having unique ways to grieve.
The way I grieved consisted of visits to psychologists and writing. I went to two psychologists who gave me good tips — like starting a diary where I could write letters to my loss every single day.
In there I would write down my emotions, nightmares, fears for the future and even typical school gossip. I made a box where I put anything that I considered a memory and the diary. Whenever I feel bad, I take the box out and look at the stuff or write a new letter.
Her loss affected me in a way I hadn’t expected either. I realized I needed time just for myself, so this meant I had to stop dating the boy I was with at the time. I would sit in class, in silence, and just think about so many things. Sometimes I forced myself to smile when teachers asked me if I was ok.
I hated it so much when people would ask, “are you ok?” or “how are you?” How should I feel? I just lost my best friend, who had a terrible past and when she finally started living, she died.
But, I wouldn’t say that, instead I would lie. I would say that I was fine, even though we both knew I was just sick of everything.
That being said, it’s easy for me to talk about stuff. It’s a kind of therapy for me. It helped me realize and really think through everything. Even if talking led to tears.
This was also an especially hard time for me because I had to fight with my religion. I grew up in a Catholic family and after losing her, I just didn’t want to believe in God anymore. I was so angry. Slowly I found my way back to God and found that my faith helped me deal with her death.
There were of course good days, where I didn’t really think about it or her. Then there were really bad days when it feels like the weight of everything is on your shoulders. These were the days where I was confronted with memories, and it usually happened at school or a place like the mall. On some of these days I would either skip school and visit her grave, just to talk to her, or I would stay home with my mom. (She was so understanding.)
After her death, me and my friends also started to meet with her parents. We would talk about old memories and I’d realize how nice these moments were because we were able to laugh together and share our stories.
My best friend’s loss forced me to grow up. I’m nearly 17 (my best friend passed away when I was 15) and I feel so much older than 17, to be honest. Overtime, I also realized how much my dear friend taught me about how precious life and real friends can be. She taught me that even when you cry there are still friends around you who want to be there for you, no matter what.
She taught me, this entire experience taught me, how important having a hobby, like dancing, can be. A way to shut off the world and stop thinking about so many things.
If I could pass along one message: I want you to know that even when everything seems to be wrong, and nobody seems to understand you, and everything is just unfair — try to find something in the day that makes you happy. There will be at least one thing. I promise you. I swear that there will be a time when you can look at photographs and videos and reminisce on all the memories without crying. One day (and even though this one big, fat scar in your heart will hurt) you will look at them and smile and simply be thankful and happy that you had this special person in your life.
Love,
(someone who understands you)
