I lost my Father to an unexpectedly short battle with cancer on November 17, 2014.
Of all the emotions I feel, guilt truly is the worst. It’s a constant reminder that eats at every fiber of my being. Every second of the day is be consumed by it. I’m limited to just trying to avoid it.
However, no matter what this small, but impactful emotion, may seem like, I want to let go. I’m plagued by my own silence and in some ways it’s a constant reminder that no matter how selfless I try to be, I am selfish.
Today, this article, it’s my attempt to slowly rid myself of this guilt.
I was with my Mom and Dad in the hospital room after coming from my last nursing class of the day. I was just told that my Dad had at most 10 days to live.
As a couple hours passed by, his health started to deteriorate. I told my Mom that I wanted to go home; I couldn’t bear to witness my Dad take his final breath.
I couldn’t bear to hear my Mom cry as she lost her partner in life.
I didn’t want to have the very real image of his death ingrained in my thoughts and my dreams.
I wanted to be selfish.
I was getting ready to leave when all the machines suddenly started beeping. I stopped dead in my tracks. I couldn’t leave at that point and, so, I watched as my Dad took in his final breath and passed away before my eyes.
This was my first encounter with guilt. I felt so selfish for wanting to leave when my Mom and Dad needed me the most.
I have always seen myself as a selfless person; it’s is one of the reasons I wanted to be a nurse. I loved caring for people, which ultimately stemmed from taking care of my Grandma and Dad’s health since I was young. However, in that moment I felt so selfish that I was ashamed of the person I thought I had become. I began to shut myself down and with that all of my emotions.
I immersed myself in school. Nursing became my way of coping with all the guilt and disgust I felt for myself.
If I could go back I would tell myself that it’s okay to be selfish when you’re grieving. You need to put yourself first sometimes, even though we all grow up thinking that selfishness is a sin.
Being a little bit selfish is an essential part of taking care of yourself in life. I have always done everything to please and comfort others, but for a couple of moments after I lost my dad I chose to put myself first. It’s okay. That’s okay.
Don’t feel guilty for deciding the same. Don’t feel guilty for putting yourself first.
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