Just two short months after my eighteenth birthday, my mother unexpectedly passed away. She had a surgery to fix an ongoing health problem and died from complications after the surgery.
It all happened so quickly.
One day she was here and the next morning she was gone. I have replayed that morning over in my head so many times and it still doesn’t feel real. It was impossible to process everything as it was happening, and nobody could really prepare me for what was to come.
Something I learned rather quickly after losing my mom was that life doesn’t stop even when your world does.
The week after my mom died I was back in school with a smile on my face — I was basically pretending that nothing had happened. Nobody was asking me about it, so I ignored it too. I just wanted to get out of there.
Doing seemingly normal things, such as going to school, suddenly became impossible. I had to force myself out of bed each morning. I thought if I just pretended like everything was okay that one day it would be.
Then, I found myself sobbing in my guidance counselor’s office.
Things were not okay, and I wish I hadn’t pretended like they were for so long.
I didn’t want people to feel sorry for me. I didn’t want people to see me as this broken person. I wanted to be strong. I pushed people away and pretended like things were fine because I was so determined to be fine on my own.
After going through a loss like this, you really need to lean on the people around you — people need other people.
Sometimes, I just needed someone to go to the grocery store with so I didn’t feel so alone. Grief can be a very lonely place. It’s important to not let yourself get lost in it.
I often felt like I was drowning in my grief. I felt like every day it got worse. Every day I missed my mom more. Every day I needed my mom more. I felt like the hole was getting bigger and bigger, and I didn’t even know how that was possible.
I also started to become very aware of other people’s mothers. For example, I noticed my friend’s moms a lot more than I used to. To put it simply, I was jealous of my friends. They had something that was taken from me and, in my eyes, that wasn’t fair.
At this age, I feel like I need my mom more than ever. I am just now figuring out life. It’s so easy to feel lost without her. At the end of my senior year of high school, I picked a college out of state, in hopes that putting distance between me and my life at home would make life better for me; ultimately, this only made things worse.
My first semester of college was the hardest few months of my life. I have never felt so lost and alone. I considered dropping out, more than once. Now, I have just finished my freshman year. I had to transfer schools, but I did it. That is a huge deal for me. I feel overwhelmed, but I am capable.
It’s been a year and a half without her and I feel every second of it.
There are some nights when I feel like I have no idea how I am supposed to get through another day without her, but I somehow manage to do it the next day. I feel weak, but I am stronger than I believe. I couldn’t have made it this far without the friends and family that I have.
If you too are grieving the loss of someone important to you, please know it does get better. Time does not heal this wound, nothing heals this wound, but you learn how to live with the pain. If you have a friend who is going through loss, please just be there for them.
If they call you and say they need you to go get groceries with them, then do it. If they text you at midnight because they can’t sleep, then talk to them. They need you now more than you know.
I am still, and always will be, healing from losing my mother. However, I now know I am capable of moving forward.
