Six months after losing Mom I was expected, according to studies, to be over it.
Grief that lingers for longer than six months “suggests the need for further evaluation of the bereaved survivor and potential referral for treatment,” said Paul K. Maciejewski, Ph.D., of Yale,
and colleagues.
Within those six months, I:
- planned 2 memorials for my mother (one in the US and one in Canada)
- packed up my entire household in Long Island, NY
- moved back to my home town of Toronto, Canada
- travelled around the globe for a month
- visited my family back home in Karachi for the very first time as an adult (our mother being the first in the family to have died)
- transferred to a brand new university
- lived on my own for the first time in my life
It was all hard as hell.
Yet, six months later when I was still grieving, the doctors had me evaluated and the psych decided that there was something wrong with me because I had not moved on yet, and I needed pharmaceutical assistance. I was 20 by then, and was in no position to question the doctors.
Looking back 8 years later, I see that I did quite a lot of stuff in that short time and deserve nothing but respect (if not praise!) for having accomplished all that in the six months after becoming an orphan at 19!
Indeed, we go into a whirlwind and a lot happens at once immediately after losing a parent and I really had no choice but to do all that, but still. I was passing all my classes, and managing one way or another (crying every single day was part of that managing). Yet, rather than be given the support or the recognition that I now I realize I deserved, I was told by a professional that I ought to be over it.
Eight + years on, I can proudly admit that I am not over it. And, I don’t think I’ll ever be over it. I have learned to live with it.
I have visited therapists, gone to bereavement groups, taken anti-depressants, done yoga, meditation, read books on grief…I’ve done it all.
This is what I’ve realized: This grief is a part of my life now, and I have somehow just learned to live with it. My grief is part of who I am, and there are days where it gets the better of me, and others where it feels manageable, just like we have good days and bad about anything else.
It’s a part of me.
I was also 19 when I lost my older brother, who was 24. You hit the nail on the head, life becomes a whirlwind after you lose someone very close to you. It was a time in my life where i was in a constant struggle with my own self because there were days that I wanted to straight up quit because I saw no point to anything. But on the other hand I knew that my brother would never want me to just go out like that and that I had to piece back together all the parts of my life that I could control, like college (he passed on the first day of my sophomore year). Some of my family members asked me if I wanted to take time off to clear my head and properly grieve but it was honestly never an option for me. Being productive and progressing with my life allowed me not to feel like a complete waste of space that was still here when my brother wasn’t. I’m 21 now, so it’s been a little over 2 years since I lost him. I still think of him every single day and that is not a bad thing at all. That’s my way of keeping him close. Some days are good, some days are not. The 6 month cut off time is ridiculous to me. Everyone has their own way of grieving and it is nobody else’s business to tell you there’s something wrong with you if God forbid you’re not okay after that time. You’re a strong person, thank you for writing this. Much love <3
I cant begin to tell you how much it means to read this. I lost my mom 3 weeks ago. This coming Tuesday it will be a month since her passing. And i’m not okay. I keep telling myself that she wouldn’t want me to be sad or upset because shes not in anymore pain (and I continue to hear this from others) I’m not sure if this is just a standard so people have something to say to attempt to make you feel better or what. But I feel like I’m not ready to be okay, i’m not ready to stop being sad. And I’ve been hearing that “all things with time become easier” but I seriously cannot believe in that either. This is one of the most difficult things that I have ever had to go through, and i know that in six months, a year, 8 years, I still will not be okay with her passing. Thank you for providing perspective on what is more than likely to come on this journey. I will find what works best for me to cope, whether that be long walks, journalism, prescriptions or therapy. I will just do what I feel is right.
Author
Maggie, I’m really glad that you were able to get some comfort from this. I also encourage you to read this response from someone that, I think, perfectly sums up the whirlwind that is grief: http://goo.gl/Knlhxu
Hugs to you.
Ayesha
Our Rockstar <3