The future is always a daunting thought. It’s even more daunting and scary when we think about moving forward into the future without our special loved one(s). Recently, I was going through some old things in my room at my parents’ home and came across a box. To me, it was one of my most treasured and precious possessions. It’s my box of Matthew’s things. It’s a box of all the tokens of our time together, memories, letters and gifts we had shared with each other. I felt a wall of sadness hit me and I stared at it for a long time before deciding to put on some music and open it up.
One thing in particular that hit me hard was a letter Matt had written to me containing poetic imagery of the perfect moments in the future. He wrote that the thing he looked forward to more than anything was putting a ring on my finger and promising to love me forever. I sat there for a long time just staring up at the ceiling.
I felt scared. I felt scared of what’s to come in the future without him by my side. I feel scared that I won’t ever experience someone who will care and love me to the same extent Matthew did. What if he was the one and there’s no one else?
I’m scared of what the future will bring because it’s out of my control and I’m so sick and tired of things being out of my control. I just want some stability back in my life. I want to feel secure again, but I know I may never find it.
Part of me is preparing myself to live the rest of my life in temporary relationships because I’ll never be able to emotionally invest myself into a relationship enough again to make it last. I’m too scared to be in a relationship for the long-term if it isn’t with him. A lot of my fear in life is being alone and having to rely on temporary relationships to make myself feel temporary love and that I’ll never find the one. The other side of that fear is moving on to someone other than him to commit to. I’m scared I’ll let the right person go because I was too scared to just lose myself in the moment. It’s a contradiction in my life that has become a constant, frustrating battle in my head.
I understand that I will never find love exactly like the love I had with Matt because every ‘love’ is different. I do worry though about never finding a person who will look out for me like he did. He was the most amazing best friend any person could ask for and he was more than a best friend. How could I not be scared of never finding something like that again?
I’m scared to go through life without him by my side. I’m scared of letting my guard down and letting other people into my heart like I did with Matt; I’m scared of losing more people. This isn’t any way to live. Grief is not easy to live with by any means. It’s hard. It’s confusing. It’s lonely a lot of the time. I’ve come to be okay with being by myself, and being happy and content on my own, but deep down I’m a hopeless romantic. I want my ending to end with someone who I can love unconditionally.
I’ve learned that it’s okay to feel scared of the unknown, but it’s not okay to live life in constant fear.
Not being in control and not knowing what the future holds are just a part of life, just like death is. We have to be okay with letting go and letting life run it’s course. We have to learn to let our walls down and let people in because if we don’t, we may never find that ending with that someone.
