My grandma deserved a much better life than the one that was handed to her.
She was a fighter, a survivor, and all around the most beautiful person I knew. She radiated poise and elegance. She made me feel loved beyond measure. I consider her not only the most influential person of my childhood, but of my entire life so far.
My parents and I lived on a ranch, with my grandparents just a few feet next door. I didn’t have many friends and as an only child, my only source of human interaction was skipping over to her house every morning before school, and racing to the big white doors once I returned home. My grandma was my best friend — we did everything together.
While we didn’t always get along, I never felt safer and more loved than when I was in her presence.
When I was 10 years old, my grandma (or as I called her, Ma) was diagnosed with lung cancer. I didn’t know what to think or what to do. My mom just told me to spend as much time with her as possible, but none of it made sense to me. My grandma had never smoked a day in her life. She was the healthiest person I knew.
I latched onto my grandma as she went through her treatment, and a year later was given a clean bill of health. We were all ecstatic, and I was so glad to have my best friend back by my side, instead of in a hospital bed. Looking back, I wish I hadn’t taken advantage of that time.
The summer before my freshman year of high school, my grandma was diagnosed with stage four lung cancer. How could this happen? She was so good to herself, and to all of us, and had been punished with this disease.
The doctors tried their best, but eventually she was completely bedridden.
This was not the grandma I knew: the grandma I knew was lively and vivacious and feisty and glowed with love. The women I saw laying in bed everyday was sick and cold and could barely talk. She now had strange people surrounding her, helping her take her medications and refilling her oxygen tanks… I didn’t know this person.
No one knew how much time she had left, and that terrified me to no end. This woman was my idol, my hero and my inspiration. She inspired me in so many ways and to see her like this sent me into a deep, deep depression. I developed severe anxiety disorder and wouldn’t sleep. I spent every day that summer by my grandma’s side, never knowing when God wanted to beckon her up to her new home.
I walked into my math class on my first day of high school, and not even 15 minutes into the class I was called to the office. That’s when it hit me: I knew something wasn’t right.
I couldn’t feel anything, and I just wanted to shut down. My mom picked me up, sobbing, but I couldn’t bring myself to cry. I sat in silence in the car on the way to my grandma’s house and I felt the worst gut feeling when I walked into her room. I will never forget that sight. My grandma, with no life in her once sparkling eyes, laying in bed, cold and no longer living. I was given some time to say goodbye, but it never felt like long enough. That day was the last time I ever saw my grandma, and it was not in the way I had hoped.
It’s been almost five years since my grandma has passed and I would be lying if I said that it’s not still hard.
Everyday I think of her and everything she went through. She worked so hard to give my family and I the life we enjoy today. The grief will come at random times, and will linger for days, but she never leaves my mind. I love my grandma more than anyone I have ever met in my entire life.
She inspired me to do what I love, and I wouldn’t be half the person I am if it wasn’t for her. One of her favorite things was theatre — she was an actress and a singer, just like me. Whenever I hear the lyrics from a song in my favorite show (Into the Woods), I know my grandma is there with me, and I know she is proud of what I’ve done, even when I’m not.
“Sometimes people leave you, halfway through the wood. Do not let it grieve you, no one leaves for good. You are not alone. No one is alone.”
I can relate I lost my grandma who I called Granny three months ago to uterine cancer and the cancer spread to her lungs. I went to bed Monday night May 2 I heard someone call my mom at 1:00 am I felt like something wasn’t right, but I went back to bed. I woke up 20 minutes earlier than I usually do to go to school my sister and I went to our parents room my dad was at work. When my sister and I went into the room my mom looked a bit down she said to get on her bed because she had something to tell us she the said “Guys Granny passed away this morning” we started crying and the worst part for me was I didn’t get to say goodbye until the days of the funeral and wake because she lived 4 hours away. I was the closest with her out of her 6 grandchildren.
Hi Baby I know you are missing her and she will always be in our heart. Granny is your guardian angel remember that. I love you and your sister so much. I can never replace Granny but know that I am there for you.
Mommy
Your story touched me and I can relate to you in many ways. I grew up with my grandparents. My grandfather died when I was 12 to a heart attack. I was devastated at the time, but my mawmaw picked me up and we teamed up to face life together. We went places, did things. So many happy memories we have together. I remember as a young child(8 or so) I just told her one night I was scared to lose her and I didn’t ever want to be without her. Her words to me, “Baby doll, I’ll never leave you. I will always be with you in your heart.” I will never forget the day she was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer that had metastasized to her brain. We had a week…they were to do a surgery to remove the tumor later that week. That was the last week of normalcy we had together. I did everything I could to stay strong for her…and the night before she went into surgery I told her…”mawmaw I need to tell you I love you more than any amount of words can say…and if you don’t wake up tomorrow please know that.” She hugged me tight and said “and you know I love you with every bit of my soul, but everything is gonna be alright.” The next day she went in for surgery. Most of my family was there. The doctor came out 12 hours later to tell us that the tumor had finger like projections across her brain and he did all he could to not cause damage and get as much as he could, but that she would require chemo or radiation to hopefully rid the rest. The next day…a radiologist came while I was at school and told her and my uncles that the cancer was too severe and gave her 6 months to live. I went there as I did every other day and sat by her side trying to help her. We smiled and laughed as best we could, but my uncles broke the news to me after I left. I was absolutely mortified, heartbroken, and destroyed. It was such a massive blow. They were going to take her to the nursing home she had worked at for years to live out her time. I knew all the staff there. Her best friend was the director of nurses. I was glad to see that happen. Before she left the radiologist came again and said we had the option to do radiation treatments for comfort. We agreed. On to the nursing home she went…never quite the same. Her speech was impaired, she called me Larry(my grandfather) sometimes. Some days she’d forget her best friends…one day she didn’t even recognize me at all. I cried and cried and cried and cried. Never in front of her, but always when I left. I knew it was coming. One day I was awakened by my paternal grandmother who I was staying with at the time. She told me our friend Jackie had called(a nurse at the nursing home) and said we needed to get there, there had been a change. We rushed over to find my grandmother unresponsive but barely alive. I asked everyone to leave the room. I sat there…grabbed her hand and bawled my eyes out for a good 30 minutes. I told her I never imagined my best friend/mom/grandmother would be here in this position. I told her I would make her happy and be the best man I could ever be. I said I love you Mawmaw with all my heart and always will and that if she was ready to go see the Good Lord and all of our relatives that I had lots of good friends and family to help me along. She squeezed my hand. I knew she had heard me. Soon after I left to go turn in my clothes at my little high school job…and as we drove back into the nursing room parking lot got a call saying to get here. I jumped out of the car and ran inside. Her best friend the RN on duty pronounced her dead as I walked in. My heart plummeted. Never…in all my life have I faced a pain like that. The person who I remember since my infancy, the one who taught me my abc’s and 123’s, who I cooked with and decorated the Christmas tree every year with…was gone. I melted…hit the floor. Agonizing pain broke through me…I eventually pulled myself up enough when more and more family pooled in and had to step out. Anyhoo…I was 16 at the time. Here I am at 24 a little over 8 years later and I still burst into tears from time to time. I miss her every day…and sometimes dream of her. All I can do is focus on our good memories…focus on how she taught me to have good morals and values. I spend ridiculous amounts of money on Christmas decorations every year and light up the world because that is and always will be my favorite childhood pastime.
I’m sorry my story was so long. I wanted to share it with you and tell you that you’re not alone. I understand your pain. And, while it won’t completely ever go away, the pain will lessen.
My grandma was just diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer too. I honestly don’t know why but I’ve always had the most insane connection with her. I can tell her anything. She has always been there for me.
My grandma was diagnosed with lung cancer yesterday we don’t know what stage yet. She has always been there for me. There at birth and still now. We share are deep secrets that no one else knows.
Thank u for sharing. I just lost my grandma too, the most amazing woman ever