Last night, I was reminded of what the grief process actually looks like for most young adults.
While the predetermined stages of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance stand true for some, I challenge anyone to tell me that they happen in a nice, orderly fashion.
It’s not clean or easy. For some, it’s binge drinking, drugs, tattoos, piercings, promiscuity, and all the other things your parents told you to stay away from as a teenager. (I mean, Michelle Rodriguez just admitted to going down the not-so-great path after Paul Walker’s death.)
If you need another example, just watch Wild and you can see Cheryl Strayed live through her grief with a heroin addiction and hike on the Pacific Crest Trail. To the outside world, heroin is clearly unhealthy, but Cheryl wasn’t on the outside.
Maybe the heroin phase was just depression manifesting itself into drugs, maybe it was denial, who knows. The only thing anyone can agree on is that it’s tough to see the scientific phases of your grief mapped out when you’re living them because to you, they probably just look like that time you drank or had one too many one night stands.
The grief process tears you down. Even if you find your release in something healthy like running or volunteer work, grieving is exhausting. The kind of exhausting you only notice once you’re out of it (whatever activity “it” may be).
But last night I realized that this nasty process can be cleansing. I watched as one of my friends took her first hit of weed on a path to re-find herself after dating the same guy for almost half her life. He didn’t die, but she’s still grieving the loss of a best friend and her other half. She has to relearn what “single” means just as we have to relearn what it means to be “motherless” or “fatherless.”
Grief may cause you to do some destructive things, but afterwards you have the opportunity to rebuild yourself into the person you really want to be. All that’s needed is the strength to leave the meaningless and temporary remedies behind.
Grief can give you the freedom you need to become your best self so let yourself grieve. Accept it. I’ve learned, it’s way easier to accept it than to fight it. But if you choose to fight it, I wish you the best of luck.
For help with substance abuse, visit SAMHSA’s website
For mental health resources, visit It Get’s Brighter’s website
Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255
You really can’t compare losing a parent to breaking up with a boyfriend, especially if he is still alive… I get that you’re trying to say that people grieve in both instances, but they are VERY different cases. Don’t group them together and say that the only difference is that “he didn’t die.” That is a very big difference and it’s very insulting to someone who actually lost a parent to have their loss compared to a breakup.
Author
I am so sorry you feel like I did an injustice to those that have lost a parent. That was not my intent. I lost my mother about a year and a half ago and feel like I’m beginning to come out of the grieving process. When I saw my friend coping with the breakup of her boyfriend I recognized similar themes of grief. I found it interesting that grief can cross so many different situations and wanted to write about how grief sucks, but it can be really cool because you get to almost reinvent yourself-when you’re ready. I now live in a totally different state, with a new outlook on life, some new (and old) friends, new body piercings, and even a new mattress and comforter set. I simply wanted to say that the other side provides a really cool opportunity, regardless of the situation that gets you there.