Welcome to part one of a five part series about what to say to someone that has recently lost a loved one.
While I want to write to show you that you aren’t alone out there and that you’re not the only one who wishes dating wasn’t so hard, it is also important to realize the flip side of the conversation.
There are those who have never lost anyone and probably don’t know how to talk to you about your loss. There are also those of us who have lost someone, but can still find it challenging to land on the right words of comfort for others going through a similar time.
So, that’s what this series will be about — a little walk through how to start or continue the conversation on loss, because let me tell you it’s an important one to have.
Below are 7 tips of things I wish I would have told my friends immediately after my mom died:
TAKE INITIATIVE FOR US.
It is really hard to ask for help after such a traumatic event. In fact, it is really hard to make even the smallest decisions following a loss. I learned my mind tended to be split in three directions — constant short term memory loss, thinking about BIG decisions (ie funeral arrangements) and literally trying to make it through the next 10 seconds. What I would have done for a friend to just bring me dinner one night. Don’t ask what you should get, just bring it. I had to make enough decisions about what to do with my mom’s body and memorial service arrangements. The last thing I want to do is pick what’s for dinner. I’m mentally and physically exhausted. Pick for me.
JUST SIT.
Sometimes the best kind of support isn’t something you can say, it’s just your presence. Come over and do your homework on the couch while I read or watch television or nap. Chances are that I may not say much, but I wouldn’t mind the human connection. But by sitting, you let me know you’re there for me without stumbling over awkward phrases and repeat sentences that I’ve heard from at least a hundred people.
ASK HOW I FEEL AND SUPPLY A JUDGEMENT FREE PLACE FOR ME TO HONESTLY ANSWER.
The mind of a grieving person is a really conflicted place. I just spent an hour or so looking through my personal Tumblr from when I lost my mom and the posts mostly consist of one liners spanning from angst, jealousy, bitterness, loneliness, drunk postings, hopefulness, and joy. For example, when the social worker corned me in an elevator and asked how I was handling everything, I wanted to tell her about how I was jealous of my one-year-old nephew because he seemed to be the only child everyone was concerned for when my mom died. “Oh she loved being a grandmother and now she won’t be able to see him grow up,” family said. What about seeing me grow up? I was jealous of a one-year-old and I knew how silly it was at the time, but like I said the mind of a grieving person is conflicting and erratic. But, it is what it is, so let me tell you things that sound outrageous and not have you give me a look that says “that’s messed up, maybe you need counseling.”
TREAT ME LIKE A PERSON AND ASK ME DIRECT QUESTIONS.
Don’t sidestep it. Don’t worry about being politically correct or minding your manners. Say “I heard your mom died. Are you actually doing okay?” and if something makes you uncomfortable, tell me! I appreciate it if you say “I’m not sure what to say, but I want to say something to help you.” That helps already. That almost works like saying the right thing. It shows me you care and are willing to face the issue with me. Especially because most of the time I’m as confused as you are — I can’t tell you what to tell me because I don’t know what I need to hear. Let’s just fact this together.
TELL ME THAT IT’S OKAY TO FEEL EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING.
Tell me that I’m allowed to sit and just feel for a while. Accept me while I’m in a nasty place. Grief doesn’t redefine who I am at my core. I’ll get back to that place of awesomeness, I’ll get back to a better version of that place. It just takes some time, so give it to me freely, don’t make me excuse myself or beg.
TELL ME THAT I AM RESILIENT
This is a phrase I would write down almost every day. I am resilient. It helped remind me that I would bounce back from this “difficult condition” and become awesome. I would withstand my situation and recover because for me, there was no other option. Losing a loved one at a young age sets you up for either two outcomes: a life of bed-ridden sadness, or a life of passion, motivation, and understanding.
You are resilient and you will see that nature or the universe or God or whatever you think is out there will get you through this and you will be awesome because of it. After all, if you can get through this, you can get through anything life throws at you because you are resilient.
Would you add anything else to this list? Let us know in the comments!
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