Since moving to the Western side of the United States and graduating, I’ve experienced dating from a whole new perspective.
Instead of meeting a boy in class or at the bar, I now meet them through work or on an online website of some sort. Which really just means that I have to go on dates like a real adult.
I get to pick what details of my life they find out on the first date or on a third date. I love that I have this choice, but it can also be super stressful.
As I’ve written before, my resume as a prospective girlfriend is really scary if you’re reading it out of context. The “when” I give all the context, really depends on comfort levels. All of this means that dates can border on awkward.
What I tend to do is sit down and when asked, I’ll tell them that I work at a wine tasting room and also have a small at-home-business. Eventually the question comes up about what I want to do with my life. It’s a valid question; I didn’t get a degree so I could be a beer and wine slinger for the rest of my days.
When it does come up here are the two answers I tend to choose from:
1) I’m not sure just yet, I’m thinking I might want to do something in social work, but that requires more school and I don’t know that I’m ready for more school yet!
2) I want to write and make a place for young adults who have experienced the loss of a parent. I want to help them feel less lonely and empower them to recreate their life. I blog, write for this website, and am trying to make a “personality” for people to follow and look towards.
I don’t love saying option two. It’s super off-putting, and places the guy in a really uncomfortable place. I can immediately tell they are trying to figure out if by dating me, they are taking on a girl with a ton of baggage.
And you know what? It doesn’t feel good that someone looks at me and analyzes the risk vs. cost benefit of being in a relationship with me.
This leaves the difficult to answer question — what do I do on a date?
When these situations come up, I try and focus on the other person completely. I ask about all the details of their life, their pets, and their siblings. If they’re uncomfortable talking about you and your recent loss, just turn it around and make them talk about their own life. People love talking about themselves, so just let them do it!
If that doesn’t work or they want to focus on you, try and talk to them about how the issue of talking about grief is so taboo in society and that you want to work towards changing that. It might put the other person at ease once you recognize that some people are uncomfortable with talking about grief, but that you are confident and comfortable enough for the both of you.
If you’re on the date and the person sitting across the table from you doesn’t feel like someone who can be trusted with valuable emotions, don’t bother saying anything at all. Let the date run its course and move on to the next one. (As Drake would say.)
Past experiences have taught me that no matter what words you choose to go with, if they’re uncomfortable with what you have to say, they’re not meant to be in your life. It’s important to build your network with people who fully support you no matter what you want to talk about.
If your date thinks you’re going to be too much of a risk, don’t let the nasty thoughts of not being worth it seep in. After my last date, I could see the panic in his face about whether I would be too much to handle and it started to mess with me.
I felt like I was never going to find someone to support me and that all the guys would just think I was crazy. But those thoughts are so bad! They are so wrong! I can’t believe how much I let one bad date mess with my head to the point where it brought me down for the rest of the day.
We have to remember to own every conversation we choose to have with others.
These are your thoughts and feelings for a reason and it is silly to be ashamed of them because the person on the other side of the table doesn’t think this is appropriate conversation for dinner.
If I didn’t want to work in such a “downer” of a field, I sometimes feel like I would have a boyfriend by now. However, I don’t want just any boyfriend. I want one that believes in the field I’m working in, not one that thinks it might be too risky or “too much.” Don’t settle for just anyone. You’ll meet someone with a story equally as risky and you’ll both realize that dating the risky person will most certainly pay off.
Read more of Bethany’s posts here.
